wasteland

so many lies, so many lies,
capture them, burn them,
but please dont you wear them too
it breaks my heart


cant you see what you've done to my heart?
its just a wasteland now
cant you see what you've done to my heart?
its just a wasteland now

"she was too wild"

ok you said goodbye,
im just saying that im still saying
goodbye
too

maria, the problem is that you feel too much

well, nobody said a thing when everything was on fire

...

i dont want to love less
just maybe share it better

just some more things
to love
to buy
to remind us gently
of everything thats missing
like bread,
water
&

anti acids
(too many heartburns lately)



- ive heard crazy people tell stories about other crazy folks as if they didnt realize they had one or two screws missing themselves,  blind shit -


heartland
why cant i just describe to you the things i feel everyday,
the thoughts i think everyday,
the pills i take everyday,
i have everything,
like, i had everything,
and i wasnt happy baby
never
baby


- people on the street walk at their own pace and for the hurried, time is a battle -

nothings gonna hurt you baby

mommas got all your fears in a jar

nonsense

wish I didnt have any feelings so I could hear you better
these sweaty palms
got them looking like springs the day i got hand tattoos
dripping
sweat-staining everything
the prints of fear
like a trail of paws left by the tiger
that sleeps behind your ears and whispers
"you're not gonna make it"
every
morning


but you know better, you can tell when they're in the zone
you got the best highs and you know it
and they know it
and everybody knows everybody
and everybody knows everything
you can almost see their faces waking up tomorrow, alarm clocks, cafeine,
avoid the mirror,
avoid the mirror,
car, manhole,
you wish youre super mario
you hope for the end of this level,
avoidance and sleeping pills
so you

-

radio static
alarm clock

easy

senile skies
white and constantly seeming as about to fall
down
but
not enough to forget

city bones are too weak
and I've been treading hard
forgive me i was lost but now it seems i found the way
is it jesus or waze?

these days they really make you wonder
who's inside this white skull
who's behind that white wall

looking for a manhole in this mind of mine
swear I saw your face on the ground
right next to a dime

easy,
brain, heart, lungs
and your 72% of water just iced
easy,
remember to forget
the heart is the loneliest muscle
barb breathing

history is so old
I'm glad it doesn't have a skin

too late

yeah life's full of shit and most days are repetitions of worse versions of yesterday
but i can't help but feel sometimes I'm having one of the best days of my life
and I won't know it til it's gone

like a bullet it just goes right through you

if you hold a stone

segurei uma pedra e fiz um talismã
porque ali precisava de fé
aleijei-me de tudo que não estava
manquei, fez falta um joelho para andar,
aprendi a voar, deixei de ver e aprendi a enxergar,
maria, quando o aço caiu do céu como pequenos cometas de haxixe
tudo ao teu redor se destruiu menos você
e você era a única que rezava pra ser alvo
de uma nova história qualquer

na distância que fiz, regando a vapor um conjunto de pedras, regando de água e sal uma planta, criei um deserto e chamei de cama,
depois, no chão rachado, desenhei duas mãos e chamei de cuidado,
e de tão mal pensado, nunca ninguém se aproximou
pensando sempre que era um aviso
e só era amor.

depois da festa a gente volta pra casa e aleijo-me novamente, as 3:30 da manhã, fazendo um chá na cozinha pra Caetano cantar pra mim,
e a pele derreteu
depois caiu
e da carne branca nasceu outra carne
que eu chamei de maria, assim baixinho, quase sussurrando
porque para os outros era um acidente
e pra mim era eu.



destruir não é o mesmo que derrubar para refazer
nasceu uma asa 

my king

love is never love when it's new, pure and clean
before the red eyes
the purple wrists
peel-off skin


love before the storm is a law
and whatever lasts after the biting and chewing and intimate destruction
bowels ripped
swollen sockets
after the things you swore you would never do
that, my queen, is the choice that deserves the crown
and everything before is the sleeping pill before surgery,

never flowers at the recovery room.

lead poisoning

you taste metallic

your abdominal pain

your chronic fatigue

you came in through the water pipes and i've been sick since

your heavy presence

you're lead poisoning me

and we know it

a lembrança

que acorda a cárie, que acorda a artrite,
que dói

a handshake of carbon monoxide

no alarms and no surprises please

thin eyelids

two hundred and seven thumbs up, two hundred and seven hands crashing against each other just to let you know how much appreciated you are, we love you,
in your dreams the spotlight follows you around the kitchen, to the shower, in the backseat, in your dreams you are blinded by light and we love you,

and every wall is made of a succession of open windows and doors that always have someone to announce, you are never alone, you are never forgotten, everybody wants your opinion before changing the clothes of the plastic mannequin,


eyes covered by a skin too thin, the eye has to breath through useless plumber eyelids
it's all we get at night

asylum

it was a moment where you remembered everything at once, it was as if your heart was like a headphone in the ears of a deaf old lady who's got alzheimer, the notes played a picture where yoou got stabbed by love,
twice in the chest and one in the guts, iridescent bruises, a headstand and then a dive back into dank forgetfulness,
the hand had five fingers and three popped veins, a plastic catheter, bandages and red meant things were in the wrong position,
grey curtains and then too much light, darkness and then bliss, grey curtains bleached by too many discussions where you had reason but you were never happy.

blonde girls

and you, you thought i would die
but all i did was walk away
enjoy the shadow of another day
drink from an empty glass of memories

and you, you thought i would dehydrate
from all the tears i wept in rage
i told you all about the room where
i kept the facts that never happened

i told you so many times about how many times i had survived that i bet you bet it was a lie

Fri 02:08

to ouvindo música há 12h
esse vento podre n pode mais me infectar
eu to tomando antibiotico
a vida normal é bem distante do que te venderam

love

few things in the world will capture you just to let you go unharmed

o meu amor é o teu cavalo
e o teu amor é o meu açoite

eu não sou o teu amor

weird bits

i'd rather dissolve than be ignored by you, you uttered before vomiting by the sink, all the things that were inside you coming out at once, the words, the pieces of left over pasta you had for dinner, the love, oh the love... 

soft meat for lazy butchers

soft meat for lazy teeth

brand new start

There were two things I should have said at the time, but I didn't. The first one was "I am sorry, let's start over" and the second one was "fuck you".

cerveja, gala, fumaça

a solidão é uma coisa muito grande velho, e a gente engole todo tipo de coisa pra não ser engolida por ela.

i am here to return this calendar, it is broken, the days are dilated, 

true love wails

this is the story of how the wings grew and we couldn't fly out of fear, this is the story that came crawling out of your throat on a feverish night,
here are the details we promised never to tell each other again, but they have outgrown me, so this is also the chronics of defeat

you were bleeding through your legs and i said "let me take a picture of this" and you said it was ok, as long as it never made part of our novel, furthermore we would bleed so much none of us could speak again,
there was a loose tooth on one of the pages, there were people on the street proclaiming holy words and all i could think of was the memory of me naked on your damp bathroom floor, the windows so far i could swear death was a myth, and yet

death came to us on a tuesday afternoon, like bills swept under the door, when i asked you "what time is it?" and you were too busy to answer, and the shaky hands of the clock shrieked in dizziness, and every fifteen minutes the church bells would ring, the king is dead, the king is dead, true love wails through the walls, bouncing off my chest like a firework accident.

oblivion

it is not to forget, it is not to stop memories from coming to the surface of your coffee in the morning, it is not to successfully avoid, not to bury in a distant soil
because when you bury, there are still the left overs to rot and be found
when you avoid, there is still the cold wind behind carefully closed, hermetically sealed doors

i forgot how to write my name so i could no longer remember yours, since we shared some of that, and yet

oblivion didn't come.

i drowned my sorrows in the pacific, i cleaned my body with boiling bleach, you could never find yourself in here anymore, and yet

eventually the land moves and nobody knows why, it makes me  believe earthquakes are the bodies of the dead shaking off forgetfulness.

last time i saw richard

come tuas negas, enfia cada um dos teus dedos nelas pensando em mim, o indicador que me apontou pela primeira vez onde tu morava, lá no fim dele tá a projeção da minha língua, estão minhas unhas roídas. e depois. olha pros pés com vontade de um cigarro, se convence que não, é apenas vontade e não um vicio, se convence que esse cheiro úmido na ponta dos dedos te salva de tudo que não está aqui, qualquer gosto é melhor que o azedo do refluxo ansioso passeando pela tua garganta.

elas gozam e isso te preenche, não é mesmo? elas gozam e você risca mais um traço na parede, elas gozam e é mais uma marca no corpo para contar a história de quando você estava bem. 

nas festas, eu aponto pro meu peito e digo, rindo "é aqui que o amor vem pra morrer."

no banheiro, você escova o gosto de hoje com a minuciosidade de um criminoso, "preciso fazer espaco para um novo desapego"

e crava na gengiva um fio dental mentolado.

weeper

i
you were three, asleep in your single aunties room. the last thing you remember was your fathers voice lullabing your way to dreams. the absence of people made you wake in a rush and for the first time you realized how sensible you were to loneliness.


ii
you were fourteen, the way he touched seemed inappropriate but it was better than waking up feeling three again.


iii
you were five, you let go off your drivers hand and ran towards an iridescent plastic bag, you grabbed it because it reminded you of the truth.


iv
you were never nineteen because absenteeism grew bigger than your body.


v
am i 26? in every social interaction, they ask me what do you do for a living
                     
                       (i keep thinking about this new word i learned)
i am a doctor
                       (weeper)

for the too-touched

your cup like hands reaching to my milkless breasts,

i could feel the insides of my body making themselves smaller, avoiding the skin, avoiding your uninvited presence on the surface of me

mother said daddy loved me so much that would always be his girl,

And what about you mama?

I got mass to attend

now be a nice girl and serve him some of your chicken breast stew